Pretense is Exhausting

I am totally lost.  I am not afraid, nor am I ashamed to admit that I have no idea what I am doing.
I'm already in my early thirties, and some may say I should have my act together by now (whatever the hell that means).

Actually, if I'm honest, it's not so much that I am lost - I'm only lost in my attempts to find my fit within the societal standards which are on offer.

I am a self-proclaimed mis-fit.

I do not fit neatly into a categorical box.  And neither do you.  None of us do.

Some of us question this though.  We fail time and time again in our attempts to blend the way countless others appear to do seamlessly.

Then we realise we don't want to blend.
We don't need to fit in.

I do not want to fit in, or blend, or settle for a life in which I repeat the same routine for x-amount of years.
I have never wanted that.

I think if we are honest, none of us want that.

Yet fear can hold us back.
Right now I am on the cusp of embarking on a whole new beginning.  But I am terrified of taking that initial leap.

I have literally spent entire days with continuous tears falling from my mascara smudged eyes.  In a turmoil of which step to take next.  Feeling positive and full of possibilities and ideas one minute, to a crumbling, self-doubting tearful mess the next.

When I explore this elation/despair paradox more closely, I begin to understand that the despair I feel is mostly due to the realisation that I am more afraid not to try than to fail, but a tricky little sod called self-confidence is still needing some persuasion to come out of her corner and fake it with me for a little while, just enough so I can get my feet through the proverbial door.

Because it takes courage to truly be yourself in a society that wants its people to be homogeneous sheep.

When I look around at all the beautiful and unique individuals whom have embraced themselves completely and said a very firm

"Fuck you"

to societal ideals and molds, I feel inspired, and also more driven to uncover my own light, my own truth and embrace myself and live in accordance with my own self, unapologetically.

We have to make the choice to live our lives according to how we see fit.  There is nobody who can do it for us.

From this moment forth I vow to not compromise myself in order to fit it.

I vow to not allow fear of rejection to dictate how I will spend my days.

Because the pretense and the performing is too fucking exhausting.

So much energy wasted to be left questioning ourselves in the bathroom mirror every night, between brushing our teeth and climbing into bed, with the words - "who exactly am I living for?"

When we feel this way we have an honor to ourselves to do something about it!

From this point forward I am living for me.

And most importantly, I'm gonna' stop taking life so bloody seriously.

Peace and light x